Several weeks ago I started a blog series detailing my journey to God as it stands so far. I feel that today, on the eve of the birth of our savior, it is appropriate to continue this series.
Part 2 is here. Part 2 Please read one and two if you have not already done so. There will be no test, but I do feel that it is important to grasp where I was coming from in this section.
Something I haven't shared with you yet is the bouts of unexplained weirdness that surrounded and supplemented my faith in God while I was growing up. I, on 4 separate occasions saw what I believed to be ghosts. I sometimes knew things before they happened, but I could not control when or how that ability would appear (it was always insignificant stuff like randomly vocalizing the next card that a friend played in UNO right before she played it). I felt that I had my own "proof" of God because I was "connected" to the supernatural. I remember prayers that were answered VERY specifically. I knew God existed because without God these supernatural things could not happen or exist. I always said that God knew I was skeptical by nature, so he must have given me a little more proof than other normal people.
Right after I spoke with my Priest about becoming a priest I was asked to write a letter to the church announcing my interest in the priesthood. I was unable to read it at church due to some crazy scheduling thing so my dad read it. He read it in front of the church. He told everyone how proud he was of me.
A few weeks later I realized that I didn't want to be a Catholic priest. I did not want to be stuck in a commitment for the rest of my life without the ability to father children. I did not want to give up on having amazing love and relationships. I wanted to get married. This was a huge mentality shift for me. I believed that all I wanted was to be a priest and overnight it changed. I was left with a hole to fill... my plan... my ambition. It didn't matter to me what God wanted me to do with my life. IT WAS MY LIFE!!! I was going to do what I Wanted.
I became embarrassed that I had given up. I was embarrassed for my dad. I didn't want to tell people that I changed my mind. I didn't want to embarrass myself or my dad at the church by telling people that his son who just felt called so strongly had decided to turn from his decision so quickly and for such selfish reasons. I contemplated lying to everyone about it as well, but I thought that would be significantly worse when the truth came out. I finally decided. I stopped attending church, but I didn't stop believing.
Still convinced that psychics and ghosts and spirits and things exist on our plane I read a book that my mother gave me. It was written by Sylvia Brown the famous psychic. It went into strong detail about what death would be like and what we could expect on the other side. She taught me techniques on reaching my spirit guide. Surely I, someone of great spiritual power (in my mind) could accomplish reaching my spirit guide as simply as she did. After all I did hear millions of voices all talking at night. She said that was an indicator of strong psychic powers that were just waiting to be tapped into. I continued to speak at length with my friends about Christianity...meanwhile at night I was meditating trying to contact a spirit from the other side. I started delving into Astrology along with this.
Around that time I went to a class for work. It was a very in depth class about many things, but mostly about being in control of ones self and how one person can affect their self greatly. We stayed in a hotel overnight and one of the women in the class said that she did Tarot readings with regular playing cards. She said that she practiced it as an almost lost art.
Several people went before me, and were all blown away by her accuracy. I remember thinking to myself that I would show her something she had never seen. I was going to use my "ability" that I still believed was mine to manipulate what she read.
I shuffled the cards per her instructions.
She pulled 3 jacks in a row... stared at me... asked if I did that on purpose... mumbled something about powerful... and the rest I don't remember. Then she told me that I could learn. she wanted to teach me. I chose not to learn, but I took this as evidence that Christianity, as I was taught, was not the only truth out there.
Slowly I started finding ways to incorporate my Christianity into other belief structures. I was shopping in a walmart for religions and I would take some of this, and some of that...
After all of this...When I still couldn't reach my spirit guide I went into depression, but I didn't realize that it was the trigger until very recently in my life. I was looking for answers, but I was looking in the wrong places. My religion that I had built in my mind was wrong.
I tried coming back to the Catholic church and I had many false starts... I would go 2 weeks in a row then stop going. I could not get a healthy foundation for my beliefs.
I remember one prayer. It was the first prayer that I prayed in over 2 years.
I had been living with two people who were constantly stealing things to pay rent. They had stolen from other people, Walmart, and me. We all basically lived in a drunken stupor. All I was doing was working and drinking. I wanted out, but I didn't know how. I thought that if I had a girlfriend worth my time I would be able to straighten my life out. I thought that if I could move out that I would be better off. I had tried meeting women but I was not very good at talking to women. At that point in my life I was very insecure. I prayed....
I asked God to send me a woman. I put in a very specific request. I asked that she be funny, shorter than me, dark hair and light eyes. I requested that she be sarcastic, and nice but mean enough to keep me in line. I asked for her to fit in with my family. Finally I asked that she one day make me a father. I also asked for God's guidance in getting out of my living situation.
The very next day I met the woman who would later become my wife, and my roommates and I received an eviction notice because the landlord needed to move back home.
I will write more asap. I promise.