The Most Manly Man

     Every day 3,609,708,194 male humans wake on this planet.  We all have very different lives, but we are also similar in many many ways.  Some awake to another in their bed, others wake by themselves.  Some live a life of solitude, while others choose to live surrounded by others.  Some work the fields of a farm, some work in an office, and some are even stay at home dads.  Some may find themselves in a church 7 days a week, and some may find themselves in a bar room 7 nights a week, and some may even find themselves doing both!  Some kill others, while still there are others who fight against this.  Some Male humans find themselves embracing the love in the world, and some still find their place in hate. There is an endless amount of examples I could make here, but my opinion stands that no example is stronger than this: Some male humans decide to become men, while others stay boys for the remainder of their lives.

       I don't assume that I know everything there is about being a man, so often I may quote another who I hold in high regards on the subject.

     So often I hear the phrase "make a man out of (you, him)."  What does this mean?  Surely, as created in the Bible God did not create a little boy in a grown male body, but he created a man.  Why do we need something to "Make a man out of us"?  Society in America has very differing opinions on what differs a man from a boy.  Some say the the loss of virginity creates the man.  Some say that becoming a father creates the man.  I have heard many things over the years that reportedly "make a man" but none so interesting as "Paying off your first financed obligation, that is when you can call yourself a man".  There are infinite examples of this as well throughout history with rites of passage.  Who is correct then?

1 Corinthians 13:11 states "When I was a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man I gave up childish ways."

     This is a biblical example which illustrates that for a long time there has been an easy way to distinguish the difference in men and boys: mindset.  There is an obvious difference to me, as a father, when I see someone who is pretending to be a daddy and one who genuinely cares and loves his children.  A real father will set aside his wants and needs to provide a glorious life for his children, while teaching them how to be independent so they can grow strong and be well prepared when they leave the home.  Somebody who is "playing house" may also provide for the child and his family to the best of his ability, but instead of preparing the child for life, he may either degrade the child's self esteem, look at his responsibilities as obligations forced upon him, or simply allow the child to be dependent upon him for everything.  This "learned dependence" prevents the child from ever truly growing up, always calling home when faced with obstacles instead of facing them head on.  This kind of father is crippling to have because not only do they not teach the skills that are necessary to survive in this world but they also determine their own self-worth from their children's dependence on them.

     This is easily observed in fatherhood, but it also easy to distinguish the difference between boys and men when you analyze their approach to interpersonal relationships, especially romantic relationships.  A boy will often approach a relationship in one of two ways: they will either think "what can I get from this person?" or "What does this person need/want from me?"  To me, a man is one who approached interpersonal relationships as an opportunity to share his gifts, love, wisdom, and life with another human being.   Relationships we have with ourselves, our children, other adults, and even the relationship we have with our pets are what shape us into better men if we let them.

"A man should be able to hear, and to bear, the worst that could be said of him"- Saul Bellow

    Here Saul Bellow says two completely different things and he says them so eloquently that it took me a moment to realize. Any man should be able to hear the worst someone has to say about them and not let it enrage or anger himself, but if the man is truly a good man he should not have worry that something truly bad would be said of him.  Living a loving life of integrity and honesty is the only way to accomplish this.  Truly, who is more man, the male who hears the worst opinion of himself and goes about trying to change it through anger or arguments or violence, or the male who takes feedback from others and uses it to make him a better man.  I believe that even the harshest criticism of one's character can be molded into a useful statement to help one grow.

"Ultimate Vulnerability.  That's manliness"-Billy Sunday

     Many times in society we see Manly men depicted as tough fighters and impossible to make cry statues of muscle, but in all honesty the physical body does not determine anything about a man's worthiness or success.  How could we measure success?  Is success the number of sexual partners we have had?  Would a man measure his success by how rich or famous he is?  How about being the most knowledgeable person in his social circle?   What of the best fighter, surely that man is manly.

"Service to others is the Rent you pay for your room here on Earth."- Muhammad Ali

Muhammad Ali said that you have to serve others?  The least humble boxer (that I know of) said that serving others is important... even more so he said that it is our "Rent" for our room on Earth.  This man, who stepped into the boxing ring so many times over the course of his life and pummeled other men, even he realized that life is not just about who is the strongest or the toughest.  Muhammad Ali saw that we are nothing without each other.  If you never open your heart to the world and share your love and your gifts with the world with the hopes of making the world a better place then how do you expect anyone to call you successful?  The word success is a word that for me invokes the thought of an ending.  Success could be the end of a marathon or the end of a blog posting or it could mean accomplishing the greatest goal of your life, but doesn't that mean that you are completely done with that task?  Success could be how you view your life's individual tasks, but isn't it better to view our lives as a whole?  Truly we have all failed something in our lives once before.  Does this make us successes or failures?

A successful man is by definition a man full of success, but how is that measured?  How do you know when you are full?  How do you know when you have canceled out all of your failures and become "Successful"?

You Can't.

Successful is a term created by humans to explain a state of being that is neither realistic or truly objective. You can only determine the level of one's success through the analysis of their lives compared to your own and in saying that you must understand that only you can truly judge yourself as successful or unsuccessful.   Setting goals and accomplishing them are great things, but shaping your life to be a better man, One full of love, integrity, respect, selflessness, and vulnerability.  Men, as I have discovered from examples in my life are imperfect by design.

The Most Manly Man- A tiny story about a man I admire
The most manly man I've ever known is one very dear to my heart.  He signed up to fight for this country's freedom and though he never saw combat, I know he would have gladly laid down his life for me.  This man married young and started a family very early.  He worked every day that I can remember from my childhood and struggled to make sure that food was available to his family.  His work eventually took a toll on him as he moved away from the man in his goals.  Burdened by many things he altered his way of living completely. He sinned and it pulled his tiny family apart, and he hurt so many people in the process. He fell away from God and the church, and slowly he was becoming somebody who he never believed himself to be.  This is not the part of the story that is significant though.  You see, our failures do not define us.  What defines us as men is the ability to accept our failures and move on, our ability to genuinely apologize and ask for forgiveness and make sure that this wouldn't happen again, our ability to learn from the failures and to help others learn from our failures, and our ability to forgive others who may have wronged us, but most importantly our ability to forgive ourselves for everything.
This man learned.  This man apologized and forgave and he taught me so many things.  This man is the most imperfect, vulnerable, loving, and honest man that I know.  He isn't the best by a long shot, and he accepts that and every day he does his best to be the best child of God, husband, and father that he can be.  He knows that we are not complete or successful until we have served the Lord and other people and are resting in God's Kingdom.  My father, George Vogt IV, is one of the most amazing men I have ever known, and truly, I have learned so much from watching his failures... but not the failures themselves.  I've learned from watching his reactions to all of his challenges in life.  This man never gives up.

That's what it means to me to be a man: Integrity, Love, Compassion, Vulnerability, Service to others, Self acceptance and self love, and thinking about things in a manner which you put other's needs in your heart.  These things are surely qualities neccesary to becoming a man, but truly the greatest aspect a man can have is a desire to be a better man than he was the day before and the Determination to make it happen.

Kanesco and the Beast

The first memory of this beast was around age seven.  As a young boy Kanesco found himself happy and content with his life. As he aged, he began to notice that the beast would appear everytime a happy situation arose.  The beast affected all parts and areas of his life, from home to school and even stretching into his social life.  Every single time that a smile was cracked or a laugh was to be had, there was the beast, frighte ing him.

Kanesco came from a lovely family and didnt quite understand what was going on in his life.  "Why was this happening to me," he wondered "am I doomed to be miserable for Ll of eternity?"

Nobody else seemed to see the beast either.  To everyone else Kanesco had always been a little strange, but not terribly unhappy or stressed.   Nothing seemed too out of place, but for Kanesco the whole world was off just slightly... like being able to smell your favorite food so intensely that you can taste it, but you cant find the source of the smell.  Happiness was all but blocked.

The beast could invade Kanesco's thoughts and dreams.  It reminded him of his failure to find happiness over and over again.  It made him relive his failed battles, and in these flashbacks the pain was threefold more intense than the original.

The beast had squared off many times with Kanesco.  So many times that Kanesco had almost grown fond of the beast.  He even thought of naming it, but no one word could capture the angst that the beast caused.  He simply called it "the beast."

The very last time that the two met on the battlefield, Kanesco was left broken and scarred. He laid in his own blood for days before he finally found the strength to pick himself back up.  He remembered it all very clearly: how every weapon he tried against the beast simply broke when it hit his skin.  No sword could defeat the beast.  No gun could scar it.  No amount of force could move it.  The beast simply existed to destroy happiness in Kanesco's life.

In his journies Kanesco encountered many people who helped him along his journey, but none more than the Blue People.  They were a small group of people dedicated to serving others and spreading music through the world.  The Blue People taught Kanesco how to fight.  He fought in many battles alongside the Blue People and even led many charges himself.  They accepted him as one of their own and honored him with the title "matters".

Knowing how to fight was nevef enough. Kanesco continued his search for a way to defeat the beast.  Along the way he fell deathly ill with a disease.  This disease threatened to end his life.  There was a pounding in his heart, and a pain in his stomach.  He was definately under a spell of some sort.  But after a while, the caster of the spell was no longer happy with Kanesco and he was released, but being released had its consequences.  Kanesco laid on the ground feeling as though there was one thousand pounds weighing him down.  Through his struggles that day he realized that no matter what knocks him down, he will always get back up because he deserves it.

A while down the road Kanesco found himself struck by another spell, but this one, though intense, was never painful.  He fell in love with the caster of the spell, River.  She taught him many things about adapting his fighting style to match his opponent.  River was wise beyond her years and had become a guardian of Princess Anabella.  For this task she had to be able to adapt.

Every time the beast was fought, Kanesco seemed to understand the battle a little betted.  He was beginning to take control once, when the Beast slammed him into the ground so hard that Kanesco felt his banes break.

Kanesco was just about to give up when a band of unusal characters came into his life and showed him that every problem has a solution if you are willing to look for it.  They called themselves the Fantastic Four, but they obviously couldnt count... Ginger Snap seemed to be the leader of this rag tag bunch  and he was joined by Mrs. DRTHEPOOKUMS, a green Man who never said his name, lynx, Greyscale, and many many others.  The fantastic four showed Kanesco a way to defeat his beast.  He got the idea as he fought alongside of them in the battle of yeast valley.

Never before had Kanesco spoken of the beast to anyone.  He simply accepted that the other people involved in his journey would not understand.  He raised his head up and started to talk about the Beast with peolle in his life.  .  He contacted people from every part of his life.  He contacted his parents, DV and twelyo.  He spoke with the Blue People.  Kanesco spoke with River and even Princess Anabelle.  Then finally he strategized with Ginger Snap and the Fantastic Four.  Nobody had a solution, but they all had advice on howto handle different parts like the head, eyes, tail, possible weaknesses.

Kanesco planned and planned and finally realized what he had been doing wrong all of those years.  He realized why no matter what he did, he could never defeat the beast.
Now all he had to do was talk it out with the people in his life.

"BEAST," Kanesco bellowed, "WHERE ARE YOU?"

In the distance he heard a thud, followed by another, then another, then a series of fast thuds growing louder and louder and faster and faster and in a mere matter of momentes the Beast stood in front of Kanesco and let out a terrifying roar that was so loud the its sound eclipsed even the pounding in Kanesco's heart.

There he stood.  Alone on the battlefield.  Facing impossible odds.  Kanesco drew his sword and looked the beast square in the eye as he layed his sword on the ground.  The beast once again let out a ferocious roar and Kanesco replied "yeah yeah, I heard ya."

Then, out of the woods walked the blue people and the Fantastic four.  They were then joined by DV and twelyo and River and Anabelle.  That is when Kanesco made eye contact with the Beast and said "i know why noone ever seemed to notice you now!"
"I know what you are, and It's ok!"

Just then Kanesco stretched his arms out and joined hands with the others and they embraced the beast in a peaceful hug.  Sobbing, the Beast spoke no words, but shed many tears.  He had not been defeated, for he never could be defeated.  Kanesco had finally realized that the Beast was simply all of the things that he didnt like about himself.  This allanifested into a beast that mad him constantly feel like he was underachieving.  Through this beast Kanesco had grown into a strong Man and realized that he could only tame it but he could not destroy it, and he couldnt tame it without the help of his friends and family.

And yes Kanesco's adventures may have been inspired by a true story ;)

On this 27th anniversary of my birth...

27 years and roughly 9 months ago a miracle started to happeninside of a young woman.  A small life, quickly growing, something forbidden.  A child between two unwed 18year olds from  catholic families.  It would have been so easy for them to make a decision not to have a child.  They could have hidden the entire situation from their families.  Ive been told that itwas never an option for them and for this I am grateful.

My parents and step parents made many sacrifices in their lives so I could have a better life.  I since have grown.   Today I am 27 years old and my life is a daily adventure.  I wake up never knowing what my day will bring and I couldnt get enough of life.

I want to take a minute  to thank you for loving me and nurturing me.  Thank you for feeding me and showing me how to love and smile and laugh and how to be angry and sad and how to express myself with music.  Thank you for reading to me and letting me read to you.  Thank you for embracing my strange ways of thinking and even adopting some of my attitudes.  Thank you for every time you helped me reach something.  Thank you for every time you corrected me and taught me right from wrong.  But most of all thank you for all of my siblings.  Until I became a father I enjoyed being an older brother more than I have enjoyed anything in my life.  I wasnt always the best brother but in teaching my siblings I learned so much about love and life.  In being a brother I have had some of the most fantastic relationships that continue to grow every day.  Thank you brothers and sisters for putting up with me and loving me.  Thanks to my mother and father  for having me and thank you to my step parents for continuing for putting up with me. Thanks parents for everything you have ever done for me.    I love you all and I love my life.

Anger is Like Puppy Poop... Trust me

Every day I ask myself a question.  I ask it several times per day.  Sometimes I catch myself asking this question out loud.  I contemplate this question's answer over and over again.  Occasionally the answer is "I don't know."  Often the answer is "No. Not at all."  The days when I forget the question to ask are they days when my anger and frustration control me instead of me managing my anger and frustration.  When everything starts spinning out of control, and I just get swallowed by my darker side, I ask myself "Does this really change anything in my life?   How important is this situation?"

My family recently adopted a four month old puppy and I have found that raising and training a puppy is much like managing anger.  Allie (our puppy) is innocent.  She will never lie to me, or try to do something to hurt me for personal gain.  She does, however, have an incredible tendency to poop on my floor, which can really put a damper on a fun social situation.  We have spent a week together now, and today was our first accident free day.  It has been a fun filled week of Allie adjusting to us and us adjusting to Allie. 

Training a puppy has taken patience and consitency, and we have only scratched the surface.  Every hour has been a constant challenge of my patience and understanding.  I have found myself paranoid at her every movement. Every time she sniffs the ground I get worried that she is going to drop me a little present in the kitchen.  It was like that when I first tried to control my anger.  I found myself giving up and giving in every time I had a loud angry outburst.  I would go for a week without a worry in the world, and when I finally met my breaking point I would feel defeated.  Every single moment was like walking on pins and needles.  One wrong step could mean a lost friend, or lost respect. 

After a while I realized that in giving my anger so much attention, I was giving it power to control my life.  When the world came at me with its ferocious teeth bared, I looked inward first to see what my reaction would be instead of simply asking how important the situation is to my overall growth and development and responding appropriately.  This is a very distinct difference that I feel I must reinforce as being greatly important. When I was living my life in a cautionary manner, and I was worried about how I may react in certain situations I found my life experience to be pretty bland.  It would be as though you are driving a car and you had a feeling that you may crash.  Even if you avoid the crash your heart is still racing long after the near-crash.  Many people would be jumpy and may even look in the rear view mirrow to see what wreckage could have been.  Now imagine that you know you are going to have that feeling every time you get behind the wheel... That is how I felt about life.  It became much easier to hide in my house and play hours upon hours of video games than it was to go out and face the monster that lived in my heart. 

Every day situations come about that test me.  Sometimes I do well.  Sometimes I do not.  Sometimes a situation becomes more than I can handle, but often simply asking myself about the importance of the situation is enough to defuse the bomb. 

Today was the first time in a long time that I truly lost myself for a few moments.  I was at work and some things that I have constantly moved were in the wrong place for the (I don't know how many times... it feels like about 7,000,000 or so) time.  Nobody was in my immediate vicinity and I exploded in a sea of anger.  For about 15 seconds I said how I felt as i picked up the mess, and immediately felt ashamed.  I realized how unimportant the situation was and Instead of remaining angry I trained everyone on the importance of things being in their places. 

Asking myself this question has led to many improved days and nights, and even days like today when I do slip have been lessons to learn and remember.  It isn't the times that I've slipped that matter but the times that I've succeeded.  My own personal goal is not to fend off my anger like some wild tiger, nor do I want to cage the beast and have it suppressed and by all appearances calm and docile.  For a novice caging a wild animal can only end with that wild animal exploding out of the cage. 
My goal is to, through years of training, tame my anger and manage it so that it may live alongside me.  Anger, like all emotions, can be used for good reasons when the situation is right.  I can no more remove my anger than can I remove my heart. 

Anger is like puppy poop.  If you own a puppy, there will always be puppy poop.  You can either train her to poop outside, or you can allow her do as she pleases and poop wherever she gets the urge.  Either way it is never the puppy's fault if your house stinks... that responsibility falls on the owner.

Jedi Mind Tricks?

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering." - Master Yoda, Star Wars

     What does it mean to be a Jedi?  Jedi were depicted as wise beyond their years, patient, and understanding, yet they did not lay down and die when someone threatened them, or the people who they had sworn to protect.  Jedi did not simply jump to "aggressive negotiations," but were pushed to defend the innocent, and their ideals.    They contemplated their every word and move, knowing the effect their actions had on the world around them.  The Jedi had a natural gift to manipulate "The Force," but I honestly believe that aside from that,  I strive to be like the Jedi Everyday.

     Conquering my internal fears of not being accepted, my fears of being socially awkward, and my fears of being unable to feel emotions was one of the biggest steps in finding peace within myself.  Everyone has fear, but like most people, I was unable to even accept that I was afraid.  Having a fear that you cannot accept is like trying to run with your feet tied together by an invisible rope.  If you knew your feet were tied, you would likely untie them first before you ran, but if the rope is invisible the only hope you have to get to your destination is to hop.  Hopping may get you there, but you will get to your destination much slower and chances are you will be exhausted as well.

     The first step to conquering my fear was to accept that I had fear, and discover what I was afraid of and why.  My all time biggest fear is being alone: truly rejected and forgotten by all of my friends and family.  Other notable fears are the fear of hurting someone else,  the fear of becoming an "evil" person, and the fear of forgetting who I am.

     To discover my own fears I simply needed to look at my own suffering.  I was hurting so much for most of my life and I didn't even realize it until I was 25.  I was unable to trust the people around me about normal everyday things.  I did not believe the stories my family told me.  I did not believe things my friends told me.  Everything seemed as though it was made up.  This escalated until I no longer felt that I could trust anyone about anything.  If someone said they enjoyed my company it obviously was because they didn't want to hurt my feelings.  If someone laughed at my joke too much it was because they wanted me to feel wanted.  If someone got along with me it must be because they don't know who I really was.  I even had issues making eye contact because I didn't want people to see who i really was inside.

     I was in so much emotional pain from the constant fear that I started to find problems that didn't exist and project MY emotions onto other people's actions.  When my wife didn't cook dinner it was Obvious that she was angry.  When my friends didn't answer my calls it HAD TO BE that they were all having a party without me.  When my Family didn't call me it was DEFINITELY that they were ashamed of me.  I was living in a fantasy world where nothing could possibly just be.  it had to be about ME.  Imagine how Angry I became over this.  How angry would you be if you believed these things?

     I became so angry at life that I started to check out.  Then it was brought to my attention by the wonderful people at Pathways Seminars that I had fears and angers that I wouldn't accept.  I was still angry at my parents for divorcing when I was 8!  I had never dealt with my angers from a child, and they had brewed and festered into something so vile and disgusting that it consumed me.  I felt a constant fear of rejection and loss as well as constant anger at both of my parents for tearing my world apart.  Moving past that anger and fear meant talking about it: something I never had planned to do.  I told both of my parents  why I felt the way that I did, I expressed how sorry I was that I waited so long to talk to them about it and I truly Forgave them for all of the emotional pain that I had endured as a child.  Forgiving them was the easy part.... Telling them.... that was not so easy.  

     Forgiveness was a key component to moving past my fears, which almost all stem from a fear of loss of Family and friends.  I had to forgive people who hurt me.  I didn't call every single one, but I had to let go of that anger and power that they had over me.  I had to let go and begin to look at life a little differently.    Life doesn't always give us the answer, sometimes you have  to seek it, and sometimes you have to accept that it's Truly OK to not know the answer right away.  Be patient, and vigilant at the same time.  One of the main keys to my serenity is knowing that deep down, I TRULY want the best for all of my fellow man, even if they have wronged me or anyone else for that matter.

     Luke wouldn't give up on Darth Vader because he felt good in him.  Yoda and Obi Wan dismissed it as naivety, but Luke was right.  I won't ever give up on anyone in my life no matter how insignificant their impact on me or my family.

I feel like I should also inform the reader of one small detail about this blog:  I do not proofread my posts several hundred times.  I type as I think, and when I revise my posts over and over and over it corrupts the integrity of the original thought, which is filled with emotion.  I send this to you in the purest form possible.... minus spelling errors because those bug me so much!

Obligatory Introductory Post

     Most of my life I lived in anger and resentment of things that I could not control.  Many different times in my life I burst out in anger towards another person.  Many times I became angry at others for things that were my fault or things that were really not the fault of anyone, but they were simply the result of consequences beyond anyone's control.  I would sit and putrefy in my anger: letting it grow and grow until there was nowhere for it to go but to the people that I loved.   

    I pushed many people away from me during this time period, as I did not want to risk being hurt anymore.  I was afraid to get close with people and tell them how I really felt.  My ability to love was subverted by my anger, and I became the guy that never returns calls, and never comes over to visit.

     It wasn't until I lost some friends and family that I truly loved that I admitted to myself that I had a problem.   I was trying to control EVERYTHING!  It would be like driving down the interstate at One-Hundred and Ten Miles Per Hour and trying to control every single car around me by remote.  THAT would be more likely than changing the personality or feelings of another Human!  

     After reading a good bit, doing some soul searching, and attending a few seminars I discovered what was going on in my head.  I wasn't able to calm down because I was harboring anger towards people for things that they had not done, or things that only affected me if I let them.  I learned that I get to control my attitude about life,  I get to decide how I am going to react to things, and I get to perceive life how I choose to perceive it.  

     Contrary to popular belief, I feel that the little things that people do that seem to affect you actually don't matter.  It doesn't matter if Joe Schmoe is cursing at you in the rear view mirror (hopefully you aren't going 110MPH!)  It doesn't matter if your store is out of a certain product brand that you like.  It doesn't matter if the person at the drive through is rude.  It doesn't matter if the people you are buying a product from are non supportive.  It doesn't matter if your father seems to  disapprove of your life.  I say these things don't matter, but these are all things that I have become upset or mad about in the past.  Note: I said that I became upset about them, not that they upset me.  

     Many of my posts may contain my own life experiences, or they may contain the experience of others.  I may blog about current events and how they relate to living a peaceful life, or the struggle they present.  I may write about my faith and belief structure at times as well, but the overall goal of this blog is to help spread Love and Peace throughout the world.  If I can present just one person with the same gifts that others  showed me, then maybe I can leave this world just a little bit better than I found it.  <=That is MY Goal in life.