Accepting The Truth is Much Harder Than Finding It

If someone offered you a gift with value beyond measure, and you knew that just by accepting it you would be capable of living life with a level of satisfaction that you could have previously only imagined, would you accept it?
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Some times life changes over weeks and months and years.  Sometimes life changes in the blink of an eye.

 Nearing the end of October 2019 I was exercising in my living room, like I had done every day for the past 3 months.  I was in the process of finishing up bent over tri-cep kickbacks, which is not a super strenuous exercise, when I heard my phone ringing.  The moment that I looked at the phone I knew something was wrong. I could see her first and last name on the phone, but I couldn't understand why her last name was wrong on my phone.  The name I saw wasn't right.  It just felt off.  "It's Sara, sure, but I guess my phone is glitching out or something," I thought.  The last name looked like a bunch of foreign symbols, and I was unable to read it.
When I answered the phone I felt like she was speaking to me in another language.  I could only tangentially understand what she was trying to tell me.  It was something about my email.

 The sounds seemed wrong.  The syllables out of place.  It was around this time that I realized that something was terribly wrong.  My chest hurt a little, likely anxiety related due to the stress and confusion, but the most confusing part was the weird visions I was having.  It was as if someone had put a kaleidoscope around the outside of my vision, and instead of random colors, it was just lenses rotating in a strange fractal pattern.  I began to worry more.

I hung up and sat on my recliner for a moment, and I tried to think, but no thoughts would come.  It was almost like my memories were inaccessible.  I looked around.  "Kids, that's right I have two daughters.  What are their names?" I could not remember.  This is when I panicked.  My heart rate jumped up.  My chest ACHED.  I couldn't breathe. The world was getting smaller by the second and it was suffocating me. This wasn't just me not understanding what was going on.  This was me not knowing something major in my life.  Looking up at a wedding photo, "I'm married.  WHAT'S HER NAME?"

"I'm Ja... Jo... Oh my God what is my name?"

 I kept speaking out loud, listening to whether what was coming out of my mouth was going to match my thoughts.  It was hard to force a syllable out of my mouth, kind of like when you are asleep and trying to talk and you wake up saying the word you were struggling to say.

I was conscious enough to be worried this was a stroke.
As far as I knew nothing else could explain the amount of confusion I had. I couldn't make my head clear out.

Then the headache kicked in.
It was on the right side of my head and it was incredibly painful.  I felt like my head was going to explode.  It was as if my brain was desperately trying to escape its casing and become it's own entity.

I knew that I had a full and busy day that day, so I got up.
I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't think.  I knew I should call a number to talk to someone, but I couldn't think of the number.  I opened my phone and browsed the contacts but no name stuck out to me as being the correct one.  So I went to the bathroom and showered.  I don't know why.  I just thought that it was what I should do.  Maybe I was on autopilot, but I was going through my normal daily routines, trying to keep myself alive.

In the shower is when I broke down.  I had been so strong and composed, even through the panic I kept thinking "this will pass."

My left side had started to tingle a bit.  It wasn't numb, but it was like a buzzing feeling.  
I started to cry for the first time in years.  I started to remember a bit.  My name came first.  Out loud. "My name is Jjjjoel.  My wife's name i - - is B- Brook.  My kids are..." and it went on and on as I out loud named important people in my life.  I cried more.  I said out loud how I just wanted it to stop.  I wanted everything to stop.  I got out of the shower, still believing I was possibly having a stroke, and I dried off and laid in my bed.  I browsed my contacts.  The names still felt wrong.  They felt off.  I closed my eyes and thought "If I don't know who to call, I guess I will just lay here and maybe I wake back up, maybe I don't.  Either way I don't want to feel like this anymore"
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I think that everyone has defining moments in their lives.  Moments that change your entire mindset in an absolute instant and are so incredibly vivid and clear that you will remember every single detail for the entirety of your life.  

This entire situation, unbeknownst to me, would be one of these incredible moments.

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When I woke up I could read my phone.  I phoned a friend who told me to go to the ER.  I went to work instead, I mean, I felt better.  I had a busy day ahead of myself and it was an important week.  

I went in to work.  I drove 45 minutes to work in absolute silence.  I couldn't think of what songs I should play.  I drove 45 minutes to work after truly believing that I might have had a stroke. 

Immediately after getting to work I knew I had to go to the ER.  I felt wrong.  I got scared.
I left and got myself checked in.  

They took me back and the ruled out a stroke pretty quickly.  

"...Right now I am suspecting a sub arterial intracranial hemorrhage  possibly in the carotid, which is basically a...." 

The doctor's voice trailed off into the background and blended in with all of the sounds around me.  The beeping of the machines I was hooked to, the sound of the staff outside my room bustling about.  The noise of all of the people in the rooms around me being treated for one thing or another. 

As it came back into focus he said "We will get your CT scan soon.  We will do both non contrast and contrast", then he left the room.  

A nurse and phlebotomist (pretty sure) came in.  
Got me hooked to an IV, and a heart rate and pulse and O2 monitor.  BP too.  
They took about 4 vials of blood.  
Then they did something that would drastically alter the course of my life.  
They gave me something for my headache.  They gave me a drug called Compazine.  "It's for your headache and it will help you to calm down"
"Oh interesting.  I never take medicine.  I wonder how this will affect me if it is supposed to calm you down" It's as if I am stuck in a narrative that someone else was telling and that I was foreshadowing my own demise or something.  

I laid in the bed and wondered how my family would be if I died.  I thought about how dirty the interior of my cars were.  I thought about how dirty my sink in our master bathroom was.  I thought about the beard trimmings, and all of the shave stuff that was everywhere.  I thought about all of the little problems I was leaving Brook with, including all of my dirty socks on my side of the bed.  I thought to myself "Does Brook know how to cash in my life insurance policies?"  "Will they be able to live on just her income after she receives those payouts?"  I silently thought to myself about all of the earthly consequences on my negligence.  "If I die, would getting to the hospital earlier have changed that outcome?"

Within about 30 minute my headache was gone.  
Within about 40 minutes The walls began to close in.  I was laying in the bed and I could not relax.  It was like every nerve ending in my body was supercharged.  I felt everything on a massive scale.  This caused an anxiety attack of sorts.  I had a hard time thinking.  All I could think was how I was going to get out of there.  I felt like I needed to stand up.  I needed to move.  I turned to the left, then the right.  I laid on my back.  I forced a rollover and laid on my stomach.  I was JUST SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was ready to leave.   I WAS READY TO GO.  I started to get angry.  

30 minutes later another doctor came back in and asked me what was going on.  I told him.  He basically said that he thought I was okay.  95% chance I'm okay.  So I checked myself out AMA and left.  

I went home, and could not sleep off the feeling of my nerves being on fire.
I would sit down, and then stand, and then lay down, rinse repeat.

The next week was a whirlwind.  

I woke up every day with increasing numbness in my left side.  My face, left arm, and left leg were numb, sometimes to the point that I can't move them.  I scheduled appointment after appointment with doctors, but the soonest Neurologist appointment I could get was for 7 days away.  I thought to myself "If I die before then it is now the American Healthcare system's fault. "

Every night and day I would perform stroke self assessments.  Beyond the unexplained numbness, I passed with flying colors. 
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It's important to know, at this stage in the story, that I was taking a multivitamin for bodybuilders.  I stopped taking it after my very first issue, along with any other supplements.  I wanted to be sure not to possibly make anything worse.
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2 days before my neurologist appointment I scheduled a routine checkup with my primary care Physician.  When I described the numbness they immediately made me leave to go to the hospital across the street.

When I walked in North Oaks and gave them my symptoms they pulled me back into a room immediately and started running the similar stroke tests that I had given myself over and over again.
The doctor looked at me and told me "You aren't having a stroke" then told me I had a migraine, and that he was going to give me Compazine.  I was certain to tell him that I had a bad reaction to it, and he said "Some people have that reaction.  We will give it to you with Benedryl and it should keep you from having that feeling."

Soon after the nurses came in and administered the chemicals.  I laid there.  Now VERY calm, and waited.  The doctor came back, asked me about my numbness (Which wasn't subsiding) and after a few questions he got me discharged and Brook picked me up.

As soon as the Benedryl wore off I was back at the Burning Nerves festival.  Everything was on fire.  I took some ZZZquil (Same active ingredient as benedryl) and I slept.  Every 4 hours I would wake up.  I was having intense auditory hallucinations ( I heard so many voices telling me all kinds of things, and the dreams that came along with them were SO vivid).  I went through a cycle of taking a full dose of ZZZquil every 4 hours for about 48 hours.  I was terrified, but eventually I came out of it.  The paranoia stopped, and I was laying in bed wondering how I let this happen.

I went to my Neurologist appointment, and he ordered blood-work and an MRI.   The MRI was scheduled for the next Wednesday. This was Thursday.
I would later find out that my Vitamin b-6 levels were at a 78.  Normal levels are  5-50.  This wasn't high enough to raise concern from the Doctor, but it did elicit an emergency response within me.
Vitamin b-6 is water soluble, meaning that any excess should have been filtered out and excreted through my urine.  I had not consumed any foods high in b-6, nor had I had my multivitamin in over a week.  When I looked at the nutritional facts it had 9000% the daily value in b-6.  This is WAY beyond the amount that can be filtered by the body, and I was taking it EVERY DAY FOR 3 MONTHS! 

If you are wondering, the Mayo Clinic says that b-6 Toxicity can cause the following symptoms

• A lack of muscle control or coordination of voluntary movements (ataxia)
• Painful, disfiguring skin lesions.
• Gastrointestinal symptoms, such as heartburn and nausea.
• Sensitivity to sunlight (photosensitivity)
• Numbness.
• Reduced ability to sense pain or extreme temperatures.

They say that the nerve related issues can sometimes reverse themselves when the levels return to normal, but sometimes they will not.  Right now, as I type this, I feel that my left cheek still has greatly reduced sensation.  It is all but numb to the touch.  I doubt that I will ever truly regain full feeling.

I was diagnosed with a complicated migraine.  I am since medicated, and Rarely have them bad enough to take my medicine.  If you are expecting some crazy medical ending I am sorry to disappoint.  That's not actually what this post is about.
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This is where the story might get uncomfortable for some people, and I respect that.  
It was uncomfortable for me too.  
I didn't know what was about to happen, and though some of you may have trouble believing it, I was acting on pure instinct.

When I got home I called my friend Clay who previously filled the role of a pastor at a small church, and I told him some truths that I had not spoken to almost anyone in my life. 

(Loose quotes)
"I haven't believed in God in a long time.  I was raised in church, and I had a strong faith as I was growing up. In the past 3 years I thought I had my answer.  I thought that I had definitively proven to myself that there was no God.  I understood that it was all just made up to keep humans in line, but now I feel like I was wrong."

You see, while I was laying in the hospital bed the first time, I didn't feel alone.  I wasn't lonely.  I wasn't truly scared.  It wasn't some innate fear of death.  It was peace.  It was concern for my family sure, but it was true peace.  I knew, somehow, that there was something stronger than me guiding my life.  I also had some intervention from a coworker that showed me and told me a lot about his religion (Bahai) and this kind of got my spirit burning again.

Clay invited me to church.

Honestly, I didn't want to go.  I had no desire to be there.  The entire thought was uncomfortable.  I agreed before I could talk myself out of it. "What could it hurt right?"

Sunday came, and I woke up with EXACTLY enough time to shower and make it to church right as the service started.  

When I pulled up and parked, I got out of my car, so unsure of whether I should go in, and as I got close I saw Clay walking up from a different direction (I guess I can't get out of it now).  
We went in, and chit chatted, and things started.  

Throughout the Worship songs I was so uncomfortable.  Why was I here?  Why am I wasting my time on this BS. 

Now, I briefly had told Clay about my medical stuff, but I hadn't really gone into serious details.  That part is important.

When Asah, the pastor of this church, started his sermon, or lesson, or whatever you might call it, he was preaching on Hebrews Chapter 4.  As he spoke, a lesson that I could not even begin to express as elegantly as Asah, I began to tear up, and while tears rolled down my face, Asah said "God's word is like the Contrast solution on an MRI.  It highlights the parts of you (loose quotes now) that you know are negative and you know are bad, and it is UNCOMFORTABLE seeing how dirty we are as humans."

Since this day lots has happened.  
I've learned a ton about Christianity that I didn't know.
I have met with Asah a few times and learned a whole lot every time.
I got my MRI Results.  They were fine.  My brain had no evidence of damage of any kind.
I've struggled with acceptance of God, but someone has been guiding this journey.
I've read all of the Gospels for the first time as an adult. 
I now know the difference in living a Christian life, and living a sin free  life, and I realize that accepting Jesus doesn't mean that I have to be perfect.  

I have made this journey, with the help of many others, to find that Jesus is here for all of us if we choose to accept him.  His Grace is the greatest gift, and he was holding it out for me for the past 34 years.  He was trying to save me from myself, and I refused for so incredibly long.  I looked the other way.  I refused to accept that my behavior was immoral because it was uncomfortable for me to accept.  I have reached a point of understanding and acceptance that I am not enough of a moral compass to direct my own life.  I need Jesus, and I will do my absolute best to live the kind of life he has prescribed, while going to him daily through prayer, study, and repentance to accept the beautiful Grace he has offered me.  

I still make mistakes.   I still sin.  I always will.  I am human.  I try hard every day to maintain a clean conscience, and sometimes I still do the wrong thing even when I know better.   I am not better than anyone else, nor do I think I ever will be.  I know the things I do are wrong, and sometimes do them anyway.  Knowing that I am not enough to overcome my moral failure is one of the largest realities I had to face.

I am still me.   I might from time to time post about my journey, which is only beginning, but I am still the same imperfect human that you have always known, just maybe now I have even more love for my fellow humans.   I just feel that, overall, the level of joy in my life has been enhanced 100 fold.

I started this blog several years ago with a mission.  I have often been praised on my peaceful approach to conflict.  I rarely let things get to me, and when I do I am always able to calm myself and think with a level head before acting.  My mission was originally to bring just a small level of peace to this world.  Throughout the years my writing has evolved, and I have found myself writing more about personal topics, and honestly not always telling the whole story.  I have about 12 blogs that are unfinished because I started them then decided that I didn't deem them worth of sharing with the world.  

I am sure that if you made it this far through my post that you are wondering why I am adding this little bit at the end.  Honestly, it wasn't planned.  Sometimes I follow my instincts, and sometimes those might come from myself, or maybe they come from God, but one thing I can tell you for sure, is that if you have read this far and have a question or topic that you think could be covered in a blog with the mission I have stated, please comment with your suggestion.  I am willing to research, read, listen to, and gobble up all the data I can about a topic and write about almost anything if it will help this world be even just a tiny bit more peaceful.  

~Irenic Herald means a messenger promoting peace.